There I said it. I know I am not the only one, who sometimes struggles with fear and self-doubt. But, the mean little voice in my head sure makes me feel like I am. Saying, everyone else’s work is better than mine, I don’t have enough followers, you know the drill.
This is a different kind of article you are used to reading, but I need to go back to basics. I started this blog to provide a cathartic space to write and feel better, to be honest, and relaxed. I wanted to lay my soul bare and hope someone might read and relate. So, I am being brutally honest to enable myself to progress. I guess there is no time like the present.
Admitting I am procrastinator is easy for me. No matter what I am doing I always have the niggling feeling I should be doing something else. Even as I write this article, I feel like I should be writing another one, a better one. The harder thing to admit is what that means, bigger picture.
I have two very different sides. One, upon receiving a project, becomes almost obsessive. Staying up late, skipping meals and working until I feel satisfied that the imaginary finish line has been crossed. When I’ve put in 110%. The other can waste whole days sweating the small stuff, stunted. “The fear” can be paralysing and stop me from doing anything productive at all.
So, what happens when the project I’m now working on is myself? It’s a far more abstract concept and one that I have been avoiding for some time.
While travelling there have been many distractions, and now is the time I have been dreading. The first time in my life I have to put my future into my own hands. I have no safety net to catch me, no employer and no permanent home. What I do have is a whole lot of time and an overwhelming fear of failure.
I left the “comfort” of my full-time job, moved away from the city I’d made a home and said goodbye to my supportive family and friends. In search of adventure, purpose, stories and a clean slate.
Life can be difficult but it is only by facing these difficulties can we really enjoy life.
Some would say the hard part is done, but now we have to put our words into practice. That’s when my fear comes to town. After leaving my last job in fast fashion my future is somewhat of a blank canvas. This can be looked at in two ways, the optimistic and the pessimistic. The hugely exciting or the positively terrifying.
I have known for some time that I can stand in my own way when it comes to success, or what I deem to be a success. I have a long list of unfinished articles that I’ve started and never got around to finishing. Ambitions I don’t know how to make a reality and past hang-ups I allow myself to dwell on.
Sometimes I sit down to work and the feeling creeps in. A heavy chest, a fuzzy head and an undeniable urge to do anything other than worthwhile work. Putting off seemingly uncomfortable or difficult tasks and replacing them with more pleasurable ones. Knowing the whole time that there is no better feeling than getting shit done.
I have had successes and failures throughout life, like most people and learnt from the ups and downs. Now, I am 28 years old and I feel slightly lost, taking daily steps to find myself.
My motivation yo-yos up and down, sometimes I feel so unmotivated and numb. But, I am not lazy. I never stop giving myself a hard time and I never stop pulling myself back. Since quitting work, my major release, this blog, has ironically felt more like a chore. I started to think, I should be doing better, learning more, being more professional.
Right now, I have so many options running around in my head, do we come home, do we stick it out abroad. I miss my nearest and dearest, the food, I get homesick but I don’t want to come home.
It causes overwhelm and lack of focus. Where do I even begin, can I trust my instincts? Can I be happy? These choices become paralysing, over analysing every decision. Right now, you could say, I am feeling overwhelmed, but I am being honest with myself for the first time in a long time and actively working on it. This time is scary but I am trying to work through it, as we have to keep moving, literally.
There is often pain in thinking about a task we don’t want to do, but by procrastinating the pain only increases. We end up not having fun on the enjoyable tasks because in the back of our mind we’re thinking about what we must do and “should” do.
To be motivated toward our goals and achieve success requires a strong “motive” which I sure do have. Decide what we really want. Then complete tasks in order to accomplish goals.
The funny thing is, I love working. I was raised in South Yorkshire, and have a strong work ethic. The question I was asked most frequently when we decided to leave was how will you earn money. This concept of not getting paid at the end of every month is something I am still not used to. My fear is not putting the work in, which makes it sound all the more irrational. I guess it is working smarter not harder, achieving small regular wins, without focusing too heavily on the end goal.
Right now I feel there is no going back, I can’t just return to my old job and habits, I was miserable. This time is hard but it is time to put my fears to bed, put on my positive pants and take new steps every day.
I’m trying very hard to not let my fear and self-doubt put a barrier in the way of where I am now and what I want to be. I am trying to enjoy the process. I wish you luck in beating your fellow procrastinator. Let me know how you avoid distraction.
Love, Lottie xx
Into The Eco